Satire

ON TWITTER CELEBRITIES AND OVERLORDS: A MODEST PROPOSAL

Twitter NG Chapter 1 v 22; From the days of #OccupyNigeria till now, the kingdom of twitter suffereth violence. And only the overlords of violence taketh it by force.

Let’s get this straight. Twitter, in Nigeria today, is serious business. It’s not just twitter anymore. Anyone who says otherwise is either

1. Lying
2. Naive
3. Hypocrite (Those who stay up late secretly unfollowing their followers. They’ll tell you they don’t take twitter serious; they do)

TwitterNG today is famed for resplendent display of creativity, humor, brilliance and stupidity. If you think you’ve seen it all; I dare you to join twitter Nigeria. It’s a war zone out there

One desire shared by many, if not all, now appears to be acheiving ‘Twitter Celeb’ or ‘Overlord’ status.

Note: Overlord is for political folks. The wailing wailers and the ranting ranters. Add the buharians too. While celeb is for those in the entertainment department.

Since the desire to become a twitter celeb/ overlord is strong as death; I’m proposing three modest proposals that will help everyone get there fast.

THE MODEST PROPOSALS

1. Unfollow all the overlords and twitter celebrities that are not following you back

You see, we need equality on Twitter (somebody say Amen) People wail and scream about the need to give people equal opportunities everyday, but they never apply this to twitter.
All twitter accounts are created equal, none is superior to the other.

Why should we follow somebody and they’ll not follow back? The mere thought of this annoys the hell out of me. So, henceforth, unless the user tweets in Gold capital letters- Unfollow them!

In our utopia, twitter accounts will be like this

@RiverNiger
Followers Following Tweets
2333 2333 101256

2. Stop Retweeting Overlords who don’t follow back

‘No taxation without representation’ was the slogan of the Americans in their war of independence with Britain.

The time has come to apply this to twitter. The slogan now is ‘No retweet without Following’.

It’s plainly stupid and dumb that we have been retweeting the tweets of overlords who refuse to follow us back. By retweeting these overlords, we help spread their influence. Only for them to gain more followers thus solidifying their overlord status. We’ll not take this ( In Orubebe’s voice) if you ain’t following, no retweet for you!

3. Twitter Police Force

All the above modest proposals won’t prove effective unless we have a twitter police force.

The job of this police force is simple: Call out overlords, celebs, or anyone that has more followers than following.

This police force will go by the handle @TwitterpoliceNG. Since I’m the brain behind this modest proposals, I’ll manage the account.

Expect tweets like this from the handle

@TwitterPoliceNg: Hi everyone. Let me av ur attention pls. @Babasuwe1234 has 3,456 followers and he’s following only 321 people. We urge his followers to start unfollowing him ASAP

Or

@TwitterPoliceNG: we are pleased to announce dat our fight for equality in following nd follower count is almost here. But @IneffectualBuffoon still refuses to comply. Let the unfollowing begin

I strongly believe if we adhere to these proposals, every single twitter NG user will become a twitter celeb/overlord

Nobody will lord it over us anymore

Let’s get to work

Advertisements

One thought on “ON TWITTER CELEBRITIES AND OVERLORDS: A MODEST PROPOSAL

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s